(no subject)
Dec. 9th, 2002 05:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grindmonkehI just finished fixing the media retention database that I bitched up last week when I misjudged the angle of the infamous dangle to a degree of presubsequent-turmoil and interdepartmental confusion. There's no accounting for that sporadic rampage of mundane prefixes. It was an abnatural tendency as if I were a sims character that has been left to his own fate and has decided to type a few words before pissing on the floor.
Okay, I'm stupid-hyper and getting paral-eyesed from staring too long, so I'll summarize the weekend. Jeanne is the most fun person I know even when we're doing absotively nothing, and the weekend was relaxing and perfect. She's also a case-worker for misplaced puppies, wearer of nacho cheese, and super secret code talker among c-o-w-o-r-k-e-r-s. My brother adopted Starsky and Hutch, the two yardapes that she briefly fostered for a friend, so he drove up Friday night to claim them upon her arrival. I was granted a day off at the golf course on Saturday and Matt drove up to go see Harry Potter with us. We missed the first five minutes or so of the movie, but I liked it a lot. I had to work for a couple of hours on Sunday morning, and then the rest of the day was lazy. Doober and I watched Tron, and then relaxed until she had to leave. I'm going with her to her workplace Christmas party on Thursday evening and then spending the weekend with her in Nashville as well. My manager at the golf course has been extremely cool lately...paying me for almost twice the time I actually spend at work, and giving me any time that I request off with no complaints. He's also mentioned a raise and that I could probably get weekends off entirely next year unless someone needs a day covered for time requested off. Life in general has been a marvel.
In other news, Axl still sucks. Maybe since the tour is cancelled Buckethead, Brain, and the other stand-ins will salvage their dignity and abandon him for the likes of talented professionals *cough cough les claypool cough*.
It's too bad that I'm not fond of Andrew W.K.'s music...it seems that he has an idea of what people are about. I just thought this was worthwhile...
What is it all for? What are these holes that cannot be filled? Sometimes it might have been so long since we actually knew who we were, let alone liked who we are - it's hard to even find a starting point. We want to be like we were when we were happy - were we ever? By clouding our own self doubt with complacency and lethargy - numbing our clarity with escapism - the initial reaction is doubt and cheap pessimism - at the bottom there is a will to repair and to become something that you think you might like better - some of those that are at your side agree - others sneer as they are loosing your support in their own lows - you climb it up and you are up - but it has been so long since you were anything but what you didn't want to be - who are you now? - looking to gain respect and admiration from those that intially brought you away leads to confusion and dissatisfaction - you are great - you need to see that what you have become is who you want to be and that there is still so much more to turn - and that those that want you another way don't want who you really are - this is you as you stand, without outside distraction or confusion, without doubt or unnecessary fronts, without false attitudes or empty predjudices - this is you as a true person - this is your starting point - it's okay to change your mind and to get better. Why is it that we often react to the happiness of others with contempt? We are so quick to know why someone is the way they are, but we are so slow to understand it.
Our only expectation was to do it in the first place.
This is not going away, this is going to continue. I want to do more every year and just keep it going. We're only getting stronger and smarter and better. And the more it grows, piece by piece, the more insignificant I feel in the best way. I want to make it clear, and I feel weird saying it, but I really mean it - I feel less important than ever.
Whether it's this music or somebody else's, I hope people can just stay passionate about things because it's all we have: believing in stuff. The attitude of: "I've done it all, I've seen it all, nothing impresses me, I don't care, I'm over it" - that's so weak, and it's so small. There's no reason. There IS so much to be afraid of that the last thing we should do is BE afraid, you know what I mean? It's all going to end at some point. Hopefully not in our lifetime but it quite possibly could end tomorrow for all we know. And because of that, you should just live without fear. And to repeat, in advance - Like more than you dislike. Try to challenge yourself in that way. No one's been more pessimistic and jerky than I have, but we're all trying to just get better. Let people get better! Let people improve and change their minds. Let it go. Let the past be that. Let the future be unwritten and be more patient. I know we can do it, and that's what this music is all about. It might sound cheesy or corny or whatever. Have the courage to say no, it's true and I'm gonna see it as that and not have to put it down to keep it safe. We're really thankful and we know how lucky we are and how crazy this is and we're not going to take it for granted and we're not going to waste it and we're gonna use it as much as possible to benefit as many people as possible.
It all expires eventually - what are we left with? After the songs are recorded, the albums made, the concerts played, the videos filmed - what is left? Are all those things the answer or just the question? The people who's lives are made better by the existence of something. That is what is left. The memory of a fun night, the lingering feeling of an amazing melody. The knowledge of a physical feeling so rich and whole that the mere thought of it is quenching. The reliable consistancy of certain musical notes in a particular order that never fail to delight. The uplifting power created by more than one person enjoying the same thing. Otherwise, what is the point? Nothing else is going to make it out of the final explosion. It will burn all that stuff away - and all that will really be remembered is the way we felt. So don't be afraid to feel. PLEASE FEEL IT.
Why is it this way?...
Someone sees a group of people. Immedietly that person indentifies the group as people he does not know and is not friends with. He look closer at their age, haircuts, clothes, and body language. He starts to assemble ideas about them and what they enjoy, based on what he sees. He does not look at people based on who they are, he looks at people based on what they like and dislike. He does not consider the quality of someone's character, but instead the quality of someone's particular knowledge and how it relates to his own. He begins with comparing his own prefernces with what he assumes are theirs. He realizes that some of what they like might be similar to his own tastes, but because he is not already friends with them he assumes that their appreciation for those same things is flawed. He likes it for the right reasons, and they are faking it. He is cool, and they only wish to be cool. In fact, he actually begins to deny his own preferences in fear that they could actually be similar to theirs. He convinces himself that he "used" to like those things, or that he "never really liked it that much". He goes further and determines that anything they like is fake and even if they happen to know about the same things, he possesses a vast wealth of interests that they could never like, or even know about. He is sure that if he was to tell them what he's interested in they'ld probably just stand there and look confused, because they could never know about the "real" stuff that he knows about. He has continuously made efforts to seek out and horde the smallest and most obscure elements of life, in hopes that he can build a completlely unique identity around a set of preferences and aesthetics so cryptic and pointless that anyone else would be dumbfounded at the attempt - which is exactly his mission. And, in a heartbeat he is ready to throw out those same things that he was once so passionate about - as soon as others take some liking to them. As much as he claims to commit to his views, he is the first to abandon them when they become popular. When the other people that he so often complains about actually gravitate towards his protected sphere he will turn and run, for the last thing he wants is to give them what he has. He is the epitome of selfeshness. He has decided to intentionally avoid anything that is loved by many people. He prefers to adhere to things that most people don't like or don't even know about. He feels that the effort he puts into constantly adjusting his taste justifies his contempt for those that blindly follow what they love. He does not look for visceral satisfaction or true enjoyment in things, but instead a cheap self-righteous sense that his way is the only way. He contends that what he likes and dislikes is right and true, and is quick to dismiss other views as stupid and wrong. As much as he laments about the state of other peoples lives, he does little to repair the situation - instead he delves further into a self imposed solitary search for false virtue, and uses every opportunity to whine, degrade, and mock others. And as though he may speak like he wishes everyone would listen, he usually will only talk just loud enough to prick the ears of the most careful listener, only then to deny them any reward for their curiosity.
Finally, through careful planning, he is sure to leave himself plenty of escape routes, should someone call him on his own game. In the event that someone points out how unfair, pesimistic, cowardly, hopeless, weak and just down-right unfriendly he is, he is ready for a quick change of position, and he readily assumes the attitude of knowing about everything but not really liking anything. This angle provides him with an endless array of escape options should someone challenge the things he likes. At times like this he feels that he is above truly loving something, he is simply an observer - an educated and particularly refined individual who prefers merely to provide commentary on the pursuits of everyone else. In fact, he lacks the strength to live in the wide open world. But he can change...
If he knows so much about these people, why can he not just let them be? If he knows everything then why does he understand nothing? Why does he not understand that the very reasons that he does not like these things, are the SAME reasons that he should understand these things? Why can he not see that people are just trying to be happy? And not everyone knows exactly the right way to be happy all the time. Maybe they haven't grown up with supportive people that gave them everything they ever wanted and supported every idea. Maybe they did not live in a town or city that provided them with unique opportunities to learn and discover. Maybe they were not surrounded by peers and teachers that could show them new things. Maybe they are just discovering them now. Maybe they haven't been so privledged to have all that you have had, seen all that you have seen, and known all that you have known, and maybe instead of giving them a hard time, you could give them some of what you know. Share with them the things that you think are interesting - not with hopes of making them more like you, but just to give them some of the same opportunities and benefits that you were given. And maybe instead of holding back and keeping what you like private you can let them see it and experience it. And instead of criticizing and destroying you can encourage and build. If they play in a band and you think that the music they make is bad, or they listen to songs that you think suck - well, maybe they didn't have people to play them those cool songs you like, maybe they lived in a house where all the had was a T.V. and a radio. Maybe they didn't go to a school where there were cool bands playing concerts. Maybe just now they are finding out about music. And are you going to try to make them feel bad about it? What if you were them? What would you want someone to do for you? Introduce you to something? Help you in some way? Do anything at all that would lead to more and better things? If they don't work at as good a job as you do - maybe they didn't have the money or the ability to get as high of an education as you. Maybe they decided that they wanted to pursue something more risky, and maybe it didn't work out. Maybe they've spent the majority of their lives battling hardships that you can only imagine. Some people decide to forgo empty comforts in exchange for the real comfort of knowing that they are directly responsible for good in the world.
Maybe they are doing the best they can with what they know. Maybe they are not doing something as unusual, or important, or valuable, or high-powered, or smart, or beautiful, or fancy, or exciting as you, but at least they're trying to do something. You are no better than they are, you just have different things, experiences, ideas, friends - different lives. And if you can identify their problems then you can also understand them, and more importantly your own. That is compassion. That is for everyone. Including me.
Okay, I'm stupid-hyper and getting paral-eyesed from staring too long, so I'll summarize the weekend. Jeanne is the most fun person I know even when we're doing absotively nothing, and the weekend was relaxing and perfect. She's also a case-worker for misplaced puppies, wearer of nacho cheese, and super secret code talker among c-o-w-o-r-k-e-r-s. My brother adopted Starsky and Hutch, the two yardapes that she briefly fostered for a friend, so he drove up Friday night to claim them upon her arrival. I was granted a day off at the golf course on Saturday and Matt drove up to go see Harry Potter with us. We missed the first five minutes or so of the movie, but I liked it a lot. I had to work for a couple of hours on Sunday morning, and then the rest of the day was lazy. Doober and I watched Tron, and then relaxed until she had to leave. I'm going with her to her workplace Christmas party on Thursday evening and then spending the weekend with her in Nashville as well. My manager at the golf course has been extremely cool lately...paying me for almost twice the time I actually spend at work, and giving me any time that I request off with no complaints. He's also mentioned a raise and that I could probably get weekends off entirely next year unless someone needs a day covered for time requested off. Life in general has been a marvel.
In other news, Axl still sucks. Maybe since the tour is cancelled Buckethead, Brain, and the other stand-ins will salvage their dignity and abandon him for the likes of talented professionals *cough cough les claypool cough*.
It's too bad that I'm not fond of Andrew W.K.'s music...it seems that he has an idea of what people are about. I just thought this was worthwhile...
What is it all for? What are these holes that cannot be filled? Sometimes it might have been so long since we actually knew who we were, let alone liked who we are - it's hard to even find a starting point. We want to be like we were when we were happy - were we ever? By clouding our own self doubt with complacency and lethargy - numbing our clarity with escapism - the initial reaction is doubt and cheap pessimism - at the bottom there is a will to repair and to become something that you think you might like better - some of those that are at your side agree - others sneer as they are loosing your support in their own lows - you climb it up and you are up - but it has been so long since you were anything but what you didn't want to be - who are you now? - looking to gain respect and admiration from those that intially brought you away leads to confusion and dissatisfaction - you are great - you need to see that what you have become is who you want to be and that there is still so much more to turn - and that those that want you another way don't want who you really are - this is you as you stand, without outside distraction or confusion, without doubt or unnecessary fronts, without false attitudes or empty predjudices - this is you as a true person - this is your starting point - it's okay to change your mind and to get better. Why is it that we often react to the happiness of others with contempt? We are so quick to know why someone is the way they are, but we are so slow to understand it.
Our only expectation was to do it in the first place.
This is not going away, this is going to continue. I want to do more every year and just keep it going. We're only getting stronger and smarter and better. And the more it grows, piece by piece, the more insignificant I feel in the best way. I want to make it clear, and I feel weird saying it, but I really mean it - I feel less important than ever.
Whether it's this music or somebody else's, I hope people can just stay passionate about things because it's all we have: believing in stuff. The attitude of: "I've done it all, I've seen it all, nothing impresses me, I don't care, I'm over it" - that's so weak, and it's so small. There's no reason. There IS so much to be afraid of that the last thing we should do is BE afraid, you know what I mean? It's all going to end at some point. Hopefully not in our lifetime but it quite possibly could end tomorrow for all we know. And because of that, you should just live without fear. And to repeat, in advance - Like more than you dislike. Try to challenge yourself in that way. No one's been more pessimistic and jerky than I have, but we're all trying to just get better. Let people get better! Let people improve and change their minds. Let it go. Let the past be that. Let the future be unwritten and be more patient. I know we can do it, and that's what this music is all about. It might sound cheesy or corny or whatever. Have the courage to say no, it's true and I'm gonna see it as that and not have to put it down to keep it safe. We're really thankful and we know how lucky we are and how crazy this is and we're not going to take it for granted and we're not going to waste it and we're gonna use it as much as possible to benefit as many people as possible.
It all expires eventually - what are we left with? After the songs are recorded, the albums made, the concerts played, the videos filmed - what is left? Are all those things the answer or just the question? The people who's lives are made better by the existence of something. That is what is left. The memory of a fun night, the lingering feeling of an amazing melody. The knowledge of a physical feeling so rich and whole that the mere thought of it is quenching. The reliable consistancy of certain musical notes in a particular order that never fail to delight. The uplifting power created by more than one person enjoying the same thing. Otherwise, what is the point? Nothing else is going to make it out of the final explosion. It will burn all that stuff away - and all that will really be remembered is the way we felt. So don't be afraid to feel. PLEASE FEEL IT.
Why is it this way?...
Someone sees a group of people. Immedietly that person indentifies the group as people he does not know and is not friends with. He look closer at their age, haircuts, clothes, and body language. He starts to assemble ideas about them and what they enjoy, based on what he sees. He does not look at people based on who they are, he looks at people based on what they like and dislike. He does not consider the quality of someone's character, but instead the quality of someone's particular knowledge and how it relates to his own. He begins with comparing his own prefernces with what he assumes are theirs. He realizes that some of what they like might be similar to his own tastes, but because he is not already friends with them he assumes that their appreciation for those same things is flawed. He likes it for the right reasons, and they are faking it. He is cool, and they only wish to be cool. In fact, he actually begins to deny his own preferences in fear that they could actually be similar to theirs. He convinces himself that he "used" to like those things, or that he "never really liked it that much". He goes further and determines that anything they like is fake and even if they happen to know about the same things, he possesses a vast wealth of interests that they could never like, or even know about. He is sure that if he was to tell them what he's interested in they'ld probably just stand there and look confused, because they could never know about the "real" stuff that he knows about. He has continuously made efforts to seek out and horde the smallest and most obscure elements of life, in hopes that he can build a completlely unique identity around a set of preferences and aesthetics so cryptic and pointless that anyone else would be dumbfounded at the attempt - which is exactly his mission. And, in a heartbeat he is ready to throw out those same things that he was once so passionate about - as soon as others take some liking to them. As much as he claims to commit to his views, he is the first to abandon them when they become popular. When the other people that he so often complains about actually gravitate towards his protected sphere he will turn and run, for the last thing he wants is to give them what he has. He is the epitome of selfeshness. He has decided to intentionally avoid anything that is loved by many people. He prefers to adhere to things that most people don't like or don't even know about. He feels that the effort he puts into constantly adjusting his taste justifies his contempt for those that blindly follow what they love. He does not look for visceral satisfaction or true enjoyment in things, but instead a cheap self-righteous sense that his way is the only way. He contends that what he likes and dislikes is right and true, and is quick to dismiss other views as stupid and wrong. As much as he laments about the state of other peoples lives, he does little to repair the situation - instead he delves further into a self imposed solitary search for false virtue, and uses every opportunity to whine, degrade, and mock others. And as though he may speak like he wishes everyone would listen, he usually will only talk just loud enough to prick the ears of the most careful listener, only then to deny them any reward for their curiosity.
Finally, through careful planning, he is sure to leave himself plenty of escape routes, should someone call him on his own game. In the event that someone points out how unfair, pesimistic, cowardly, hopeless, weak and just down-right unfriendly he is, he is ready for a quick change of position, and he readily assumes the attitude of knowing about everything but not really liking anything. This angle provides him with an endless array of escape options should someone challenge the things he likes. At times like this he feels that he is above truly loving something, he is simply an observer - an educated and particularly refined individual who prefers merely to provide commentary on the pursuits of everyone else. In fact, he lacks the strength to live in the wide open world. But he can change...
If he knows so much about these people, why can he not just let them be? If he knows everything then why does he understand nothing? Why does he not understand that the very reasons that he does not like these things, are the SAME reasons that he should understand these things? Why can he not see that people are just trying to be happy? And not everyone knows exactly the right way to be happy all the time. Maybe they haven't grown up with supportive people that gave them everything they ever wanted and supported every idea. Maybe they did not live in a town or city that provided them with unique opportunities to learn and discover. Maybe they were not surrounded by peers and teachers that could show them new things. Maybe they are just discovering them now. Maybe they haven't been so privledged to have all that you have had, seen all that you have seen, and known all that you have known, and maybe instead of giving them a hard time, you could give them some of what you know. Share with them the things that you think are interesting - not with hopes of making them more like you, but just to give them some of the same opportunities and benefits that you were given. And maybe instead of holding back and keeping what you like private you can let them see it and experience it. And instead of criticizing and destroying you can encourage and build. If they play in a band and you think that the music they make is bad, or they listen to songs that you think suck - well, maybe they didn't have people to play them those cool songs you like, maybe they lived in a house where all the had was a T.V. and a radio. Maybe they didn't go to a school where there were cool bands playing concerts. Maybe just now they are finding out about music. And are you going to try to make them feel bad about it? What if you were them? What would you want someone to do for you? Introduce you to something? Help you in some way? Do anything at all that would lead to more and better things? If they don't work at as good a job as you do - maybe they didn't have the money or the ability to get as high of an education as you. Maybe they decided that they wanted to pursue something more risky, and maybe it didn't work out. Maybe they've spent the majority of their lives battling hardships that you can only imagine. Some people decide to forgo empty comforts in exchange for the real comfort of knowing that they are directly responsible for good in the world.
Maybe they are doing the best they can with what they know. Maybe they are not doing something as unusual, or important, or valuable, or high-powered, or smart, or beautiful, or fancy, or exciting as you, but at least they're trying to do something. You are no better than they are, you just have different things, experiences, ideas, friends - different lives. And if you can identify their problems then you can also understand them, and more importantly your own. That is compassion. That is for everyone. Including me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
"Is that you John Wayne.. is this me?"
Date: 2002-12-09 08:44 am (UTC)It looks like things are going pretty well for you lately. I'm glad it's happening to SOMEONE. How about sending some of that good luck my way before a house falls on my sister or something?
Re: "Is that you John Wayne.. is this me?"
Date: 2002-12-09 11:29 pm (UTC)Here is a great essay on the topic.
I've been very fortunate. It can't be that bad can it?
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-09 06:05 pm (UTC)And it's not like I'm faking who I am in these different groups of people that I hang out with in Michigan, because I have the same preferences, of gaming or dancing or whatever depending on the group... but each group did have a preference on what to do for the weekend. in a sense what you're saying makes a lot of sense, however I do try to know the person for who s/he is rather than based on the preferences on what they like. But somewhere across that state of mind border... it gets lost sometimes.
Re:
Date: 2002-12-09 10:46 pm (UTC)I understand...my mindset has played both roles as well, so I can't be hypocritical about it. I thought that was an interesting reminder.