i'm ninety-three, you're sixteen...

[grindmonkeh]

The fluorescent lights in here are becoming harsher than daylight. I've been spending nights here at work highway-hypnotized for too long, and I sat last night and thought for a while about the past few hundred miles and how the scenery has been a blur. I stuck my head out to feel the autumn-like breeze on my face...strange for early August, but that's okay since I was wearing Christmas boxers too. I thought a lot about reimmersion. The last few years have been in limbo, and I can't go this low for the rest of my life. Too much free time alone has been a poison...I've never been happier than when I was the busiest and most socially active in my late teens and early twenties. This isn't a yearning for youth, I'm in the best shape of my life...I need meaningful things such as interaction, love, complacency with myself, accomplishment, and more. I've taken the first step back toward this by starting a second job and melding into a different though once familiar atmosphere. I forgot what it was like to mix among strangers and actually apply my work ethic. The extra money may enable me to take a class this fall as well. I could have to wait until spring, but I'm really anxious to begin accomplishment - the second step. I've been testing my attention span since I haven't been in a classroom in two years...I've read three books in three days. This obviously doesn't warrant brilliance, but at least I know where my head is. I'm cutting my time spent online down to a modest indulgence rather than an obsessive compulsive time occupation. I don't do much worthwhile other than talk to my friends and acquire music, so the fat will be trimmed.

I had breakfast with my boss yesterday morning in the corner cafe downtown to review an outline I was asked to make of my time spent at work. The new associate director might be asking for these, and due to a switch that went down that I had failed/opted-not to report my boss wanted to make certain that I was aware that this guy is the type that will hold an entire meeting over this sort of occurence. We got the business end out of the way and talked over coffee. I mentioned that I like my job here for the time being but I'm ready to find something meaningful in life. He retires in three years and is a friend with an objective opinion. I needed to say it aloud to someone. He listened. I'm drawn back to psychology, which was my initial academic interest before my disaster with the ROTC program. I know the odds of finding a high paying job aren't as good as they would be if I stayed in the computer field, but I have a lot of reasons why this is important that I've disclosed to few people. I'm used to being on a low-class budget, so while money is always nice I'd rather have contention in what I'm doing. I have my job with the university as a launching pad until I find the right opportunity, and it allows me all the conveniences I require to attain goals if I can find sleep when I need it. I know I can make this happen, though it may take time.

I've iterated and reiterated many of these thoughts before, but I'm finding the courage to act on them. I've learned a lot about myself while sitting under these too-goddamn-bright lights with the hum of one hundred computers surrounding me and no one to talk to, but I've forgotten about a lot of the more notable traits I obtain as well...ambition, confidence, sincerity, the way to succeed and the way to suck eggs.

...or so I've been thinking.

Comments

[tasslehoff.livejournal.com]

I know I was miserable when I went into the engineering field (ME and IE) because of the money + people wanting me to.

I'm glad your going to do something that you'd rather do than for the money.

I hope things work out for you man. If you need my help for anything, let me know. =)

[cd332.livejournal.com]

brother, i am going through the same thing. perhaps on a lower level. i'm ready to give up my job after my piano gets paid off (no later than december). same story: i can go back to school but i will never again get a job that pays as well as .....eh....I don't even want to say those horrid words. but i've been on a herculean mission to pay this thing off, and subsequently am living on a 30-40 dollar month allowance. its one thing to have money, another to have less, but be happy to go to work.



never succumb to the seduction of a well paying job. being content in this short life is a nobility in a class of its own.


good luck
;-)
oi!=cd332

[eidora.livejournal.com]

Gosh...that whole post made me want to sit and ponder what I want out of life.

blankedness in being

[falseye.livejournal.com]

Man, i remember when i used to think i was going to go someplace big with my life as an artist. How someday, everything would right. I would be out of this small town i grew up in, overcome social issues and such, and how time could cure most my ills. What ive found out is that time doesnt cure all, and that you have to take the bull by the horns and turn it around to your direction. This seems like an awefully risky and hard thing for me to do at this point so ive pretty much given up, and settled down to a mediocre lifestyle.
I think it's cool that youre not settling and going for it. Rock