*

[grindmonkeh]

So I'm everything she is looking for but she is not ready to have me and she is becoming too emotionally attached though I'm everything she wants so she must learn to make herself happy first while she is happy when we are together the only joy in her life cannot stem from someone else and so she is reconstructing and getting back on her feet with a new job and a dependable car and the start of school in the fall to make something of herself but our relationship can't begin this way because she is confused and I am now confused and she is more emotionally involved and I need to catch up but she doesn't want less time together though the positive inertia of what was developing has ground to a halt and the momentum has been lost to the friction that these ideas have produced and though she is down to earth and emotionally competent I can't help but feel that there is still emotional flotsam and jetsam adrift and new debris breaking the surface from the fabulous disaster that was her marriage causing her to feel this way about me and I hate these leftovers and she thinks I deserve someone who isn't fucked up but I don't know what I deserve so I'm a glutton for punishment and her logic is feasible but I can't think with my mind when my heart charts a course and I'm sailing on these doldrums and I don't know where I'm going or if the wreck is going down since all this came out of the haze so quickly and I'm turning in circles looking for a clue or a hint as to how I should respond or even feel though I want to try but I remember why I had the mindset over the past few years that allowed me to walk out of a relationship in a minute with no regrets or feelings of loss only an impulsive decision and life's traversities and yet I've put hope, faith, and heart into this and now I'm certain that I'll pay for it...goddammit.